How to Get Your Partner into Couples Therapy: A No-Nonsense Guide to Saving Your Relationship
- Keith York LMFT
- Nov 30, 2025
- 4 min read
Updated: Dec 1, 2025
What to Say, How to Say It, and How to Take a Stand—From a Couples Therapist
By Keith York, LMFT Couples Therapist in Orinda, CA
Stop Pretending You're Happy: The First Step Toward Real Change
Okay, let’s get real.
If you want your partner to join you in couples therapy, you’re going to have to do something most people avoid like the plague: you’re going to have to make them uncomfortable.
Not abusive. Not cruel. But honest. Congruent. Real.
If you’re unhappy, stop pretending you’re fine.
Stop smiling through loneliness.
Stop acting like the marriage is working for you when it isn’t.
Your partner won’t feel urgency if you’re the one doing all the accommodating. If you keep swallowing your resentment and offering them lunch afterward, why would they change?
You have to rock the boat. You have to tell the truth. You have to let the reality of your unhappiness land.
The Script That Gets Results
Let me tell you a story.
I worked with a woman who for years danced this same dance:
"I hate how you treat me… what can I make you for dinner?"
Classic one-down behavior. Classic boundarylessness.
I told her: get convicted.
So, for six nights—90 seconds each—here’s what she said to her husband at the door:
“I hate how you treat me. I hate this, this, and this. I don’t feel close to you. I feel lonely. This marriage is not working for me. I’ve made an appointment with a couple's therapist next Thursday at 7pm. I expect you to get your butt in that chair with me. And if you don’t, I’m going to be even more unhappy and even more angry than I already am.
Now. What can I make you for dinner?”
Six nights.
He was in the chair.
Why?
Because she stopped pretending. She stopped coddling. She stopped enabling his comfort at the cost of her soul.
She dared to rock the boat.
You Think it's “Their Issue”? Think Again
Often, the partner who’s unwilling to come to therapy isn’t actually the one in pain—you are.
And if you’re not willing to create discomfort, nothing is going to change.
Why would your partner move if they’re comfortable? You’re the one suffering. You’re the one lonely. You’re the one hungry for intimacy.
So, you must take a stand.
Say:
“This is not working for me. You may think everything is fine, but I don’t. I’ve made an appointment. I want you there with me. If you care about this relationship, show up.”
Clear. Direct. Relational. No whining. No begging. No threats.
Just truth.
If Your Partner Says YOU Need to Do the Work
This is common.
Your partner may say:
“You’re the one who needs help. You’re the love addict. You’re the one who’s been difficult.”
And maybe some of that is true. Fine. Own it.
Say:
“You’re right—I’ve been a lot to deal with. I will do my individual work. But this marriage is not just about my wounds or your exhaustion. You’ve built walls. I feel shut out. I want us to work as a team. I’ll see a therapist for a month if you want—AND we’re doing couples therapy. It’s both.”
This is what I call relational empowerment.
Not “I was weak, now I’m strong, goodbye.”
But:
“I was weak, now I’m strong—now what are we going to do together to make this work?”
That’s partnership. That’s intimacy. That’s relational life.
Why This Works: Your Conviction Creates Change
Partners don’t move because you’re needy. They don’t move because you’re nice. They don’t move because you beg.
People move when their partner develops enough conviction to stop colluding with the status quo.
The message is simple:
“I love you. I want this to work. But the way things are right now is not acceptable to me. If you want to be in this relationship with me, come to therapy. I’ll start without you if I have to.”
This is not manipulation. This is truth-telling. This is relational integrity.
Couples Therapy Is Not a Punishment—It’s an Invitation
You’re not dragging your partner into the principal’s office. You’re inviting them into something better:
Real connection
Real intimacy
Real honesty
Real partnership
Couples therapy isn’t about blaming—it’s about transforming the patterns you’re both trapped in.
And guess what? Once one partner gets truly serious, the other almost always comes along.
You Don’t Have to Do This Alone
If you’re trying to get your partner into couples therapy, you’re already carrying too much. It’s time to get support.
I help couples in Orinda, CA and the East Bay break out of painful patterns, deepen intimacy, repair trust, and build relationships that actually work.
And I make it simple to start.
Get Your Free 15-Minute Consultation
If you’re ready to take a stand for your relationship—and you want guidance in the process—reach out for a free 15-minute consultation.
This is your chance to:
Ask questions
Get direction
Learn how to approach your partner
Start the process of healing
You don’t have to keep suffering in silence. Let’s get you the support you need. Let’s get your partner in the room. Let’s get your relationship back on track.
Schedule your free consultation today.
Written by Keith York, LMFT, a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Orinda, California, serving Orinda, Lafayette, Moraga, and the greater east bay area of San Francisco. Keith specializes in couples therapy with a focus in Gottman Method Therapy and Relational Life Therapy.
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