How to Show Empathy in a Relationship: Stop Fixing and Start Connecting
- Keith York LMFT
- 3 days ago
- 11 min read
Why your partner may need understanding before advice—and the practical empathy skills that can transform difficult conversations
By Keith York, LMFT — Couples Therapist in Orinda, CA (East Bay)
“You never listen to me.”
“I am listening. I’m telling you what you should do.”
I hear versions of this exchange all the time in couples therapy.
One partner is upset.
The other partner genuinely wants to help.
So he explains.
He reassures.
He offers a solution.
He points out another way of looking at it.
Or, if the complaint is about him, he starts defending himself.
And somehow his partner feels even more alone.
This is especially common with men I work with.
These men aren't necessarily uncaring. In fact, many care deeply about their partners.
They are responsible, hardworking, loyal, and good at solving problems.
But nobody ever taught them how to show empathy in a relationship.
They learned how to perform.
They learned how to fix things.
They learned how to stay composed and get the job done.
They may not have learned how to sit beside someone they love and communicate:
I hear you. I understand why you feel that way. What you're experiencing matters to me.
And that skill can change a relationship.
What Is Empathy in a Relationship?
Empathy is the ability to enter your partner's experience long enough to understand what something feels like from their side of the relationship.
It doesn't mean surrendering your point of view.
It doesn't mean agreeing with everything your partner says.
It doesn't mean deciding who is right.
It means becoming curious about your partner's internal world before rushing to explain your own.
The Gottman approach to relationships emphasizes emotional attunement: listening for your partner's feelings and needs rather than immediately correcting, fixing, or defending.
Validation doesn't require you to abandon your own perspective.
That distinction is enormous.
Your partner may not need you to agree.
They need to know that you get it.
The Question That Can Change the Way You Speak to Your Partner
Here's one of the simplest empathy exercises I teach couples:
Before you open your mouth, ask yourself:
“What is what I'm about to say going to feel like to the person I'm saying it to?”
You aren't a mind reader.
You won't always know.
Make your best guess.
That's the point.
Instead of asking only:
Is what I'm saying true?
or:
Am I right?
you add another question:
What will my words be like to receive?
That small pause shifts you from self-focus to relational awareness.
Consider the difference.
Your partner says:
“I've been completely overwhelmed lately. I feel like I'm carrying everything.”
You respond:
“Well, that's not really fair. I did the dishes last night and took the kids to practice.”
Maybe that's factually true.
But ask the empathy question:
What will that response feel like to your partner?
Probably something like:
He didn't hear me.
He doesn't care how overwhelmed I am.
Now I have to prove my feelings are legitimate.
Suddenly you're fighting about the dishes instead of addressing the loneliness underneath the complaint.
Empathy Is Not Agreement
This is where many couples get stuck.
Your partner says:
“When you were on your phone while I was talking, I felt like I didn't matter to you.”
And your mind immediately starts building the defense:
I was answering an important email.
I heard everything she said.
I wasn't trying to ignore her.
She's on her phone all the time too.
You may believe that showing empathy means admitting:
“You're right and I'm wrong.”
It doesn't.
You can say:
“I can understand why that felt dismissive.”
without saying:
“Your interpretation of everything that happened is objectively correct.”
Empathy says:
Your experience makes sense to me.
Agreement says:
I share your interpretation.
Those are different things.
Learning this distinction is often a breakthrough in couples therapy because partners can finally stop arguing over whose reality gets to win.
Two experiences can exist in the same relationship.
Why Some Men Try to Fix Instead of Empathize
I want to be careful here: this isn't true of every man, and plenty of women are problem-solvers too.
But I see this pattern often enough in my work with men that it's worth naming.
Many boys grow up receiving a powerful set of messages:
Be competent.
Solve the problem.
Don't dwell on feelings.
Stay in control.
Be useful.
Get it done.
Those skills can serve men extremely well at work and in many parts of life.
Then they come home.
Their partner says:
“I had a horrible day.”
His brain hears:
Problem.
So he offers a solution.
“Why don't you tell your boss you can't keep doing that?”
She gets frustrated.
“Can you please just listen?”
Now he's confused.
I AM listening. I'm trying to help you.
That's the disconnect.
He is offering instrumental help when she is asking for relational connection.
The problem isn't necessarily lack of love.
The problem is that the form in which he's offering love isn't the form his partner needs at that moment.
Stop → Receive → Reflect → Value → Respond
Here's a practical alternative.
When your partner tells you something important, don't immediately move to your answer.
Use five steps:
1. Stop
Don't formulate your defense, advice, or counterargument yet.
Pause.
2. Receive
Actually take in what your partner said.
Listen for more than facts.
What are they feeling?
What does this mean to them?
3. Reflect
Show them what you heard.
“It sounds like you've been feeling really alone with all of this.”
4. Value
Communicate that their experience matters.
“I can understand why you'd feel frustrated.”
or:
“That makes sense to me.”
5. Respond
Only after your partner feels understood do you move into your perspective, a solution, or a conversation about what happens next.
This tiny change can radically alter the emotional temperature of a conversation.
What Empathy Sounds Like in a Relationship
You don't need a psychology degree.
You need a few sentences you can actually use.
Try:
“Tell me more.”
“That sounds really hard.”
“I can see why that hurt.”
“It makes sense that you felt that way.”
“What was the hardest part for you?”
“I didn't realize that's what this has been like for you.”
“Let me make sure I understand what you're saying.”
“I'm here. Keep going.”
Notice what these sentences don't contain.
No defense.
No correction.
No solution.
No countercomplaint.
No “Yeah, but…”
You're creating room for your partner's experience.
One of the Most Important Empathy Skills for Men: Acknowledge Before You Add
Here's another pattern I see.
Your partner says:
“I think we should spend more time together on weekends.”
And you answer:
“We don't have time. The kids have sports Saturday and I've got stuff I need to do Sunday.”
You responded to the content.
But relationally, you skipped an important step.
You didn't acknowledge that you received what your partner said.
Try this instead:
“Yeah. I hear you. We've barely had any time alone lately, and I miss that too. I'd like us to find some time. Saturdays are pretty packed, though. What if we looked at Sunday afternoon?”
The practical answer may ultimately be almost identical.
But the emotional experience is completely different.
The first response communicates:
No.
The second communicates:
I heard you. What you want matters to me. Now let's figure this out together.
That's empathy in action.
Why Defensiveness Kills Empathy
Empathy gets much harder when your partner is upset with you.
If your partner says:
“You weren't there for me last night.”
your nervous system may immediately hear:
You're a bad husband.
You're failing.
You're the problem.
Now you're no longer listening to understand your partner.
You're listening for evidence to defend yourself.
You say:
“That's ridiculous.”
“I asked you what was wrong.”
“You said you were fine.”
“What about all the times you've done that to me?”
Now both people are fighting for recognition and neither person is receiving any.
This is why learning how to communicate clearly in a relationship isn't simply about choosing better words.
You have to develop enough emotional strength to hear that your impact wasn't what you intended without collapsing into shame or fighting your way out of responsibility.
Learning how to communicate clearly in your relationship is a skill that can be practiced and greatly improved.
Empathy Doesn't Mean Taking Responsibility for Everything
There's another side to this.
Empathy without boundaries isn't healthy intimacy.
Understanding your partner's feelings doesn't mean accepting insults, intimidation, manipulation, contempt, or responsibility for emotions and behaviors that belong to them.
You can say:
“I understand why you're angry, and I'm willing to talk about what happened. I'm not willing to be yelled at.”
That's both empathic and boundaried.
Before You Fix the Problem, Ask This Question
One of the easiest ways couples can avoid this entire conflict is surprisingly simple:
Ask what kind of listening your partner wants.
When your partner starts telling you about something difficult, try:
“Do you want me to just listen and understand, or do you want help figuring out what to do?”
That's it.
You can even add a third option:
“Do you want empathy, ideas, or do you just want to talk this through together?”
Now you're no longer guessing.
You're negotiating.
And that leads to a principle I want couples to remember:
More negotiation on the front end. Less resentment on the back end.
Instead of silently expecting your partner to know what you need, tell them.
Instead of assuming what your partner needs, ask.
That's mature intimacy.
Three Different Ways We Listen
Most of us naturally gravitate toward one or more kinds of listening.
1. Empathic listening
The goal is connection.
“That sucks.”
“I understand why you're upset.”
“Tell me more.”
2. Problem-solving listening
The goal is helping.
“Have you thought about talking to your boss?”
“What if we tried this?”
“Let's figure out what we can change.”
3. Relating and sharing
The goal is joining through common experience.
“Something similar happened to me.”
“I know that feeling.”
“I went through that with my boss last year.”
There isn't anything inherently wrong with any of these.
The trouble begins when the speaker wants one kind of listening and the listener provides another.
Your partner wants empathy.
You provide a solution.
Your partner feels dismissed.
You feel unappreciated.
And five minutes later you're arguing about why you “never listen.”
The issue may not be that either of you is a bad listener.
You may simply be offering the wrong kind of listening for the moment.
Why Emotional Empathy Creates Intimacy
Emotional intimacy doesn't come only from romantic weekends, deep conversations, or sex.
It is built in hundreds of tiny interactions.
Your partner reaches toward you emotionally.
Do you turn toward them or away?
Do you get curious or defensive?
Do you acknowledge their experience or immediately replace it with yours?
Do they leave the conversation feeling more alone—or more connected to you?
Gottman-oriented relationship work places substantial emphasis on these everyday moments of attunement, validation, responsiveness, and turning toward one another.
These small moments accumulate.
Eventually your partner develops an answer to one of the most important questions in a relationship:
When I need you emotionally, are you there?
“But I'm Just Not an Empathetic Person.”
I hear versions of this too.
Sometimes a man tells me:
“That's just not how I am.”
I don't buy that as the end of the conversation.
You may not be naturally fluent in empathy.
Maybe emotions weren't talked about in your family.
Maybe vulnerability was considered weakness.
Maybe nobody modeled relational listening for you.
Maybe you've spent decades becoming extraordinarily good at solving problems and very little time learning how to sit with feelings you cannot fix.
Fine.
Then we learn.
Empathy is not merely a personality trait.
It's also a set of relational skills.
Research-informed clinical guidance likewise treats empathic responding as something partners can practice through slowing down, active listening, reflecting what they've heard, and validation.
And skills can be practiced.
A 10-Minute Empathy Exercise for Couples
Try this tonight.
Set a timer for 10 minutes.
One partner talks about something stressful that happened outside the relationship.
The listener's job is not to solve it.
Instead:
Listen.
Ask curious questions.
Reflect what you heard.
Name the emotion you think your partner is experiencing.
Validate why that emotion makes sense.
Ask, “Is there more?”
Don't give advice unless your partner asks for it.
Then switch.
Starting with an issue outside your relationship makes the exercise easier because neither partner has as much at stake.
Gottman-oriented guidance similarly recommends practicing empathy through conversations about outside stressors when couples are first developing these skills.
Once you're better at it, try using the same skills when the conversation is about your relationship.
That's where things get interesting.
What If Your Partner Says You Have No Empathy?
Don't start by proving them wrong.
Seriously.
If your first response is:
“That's not true. I'm very empathetic!”
you may accidentally demonstrate the problem.
Instead, get curious.
Ask:
“What happens between us that leaves you feeling like I don't understand you?”
Then listen.
You might discover that your partner isn't saying you have no capacity for empathy.
They may be saying:
“When I bring you pain, you explain.”
“When I bring you feelings, you fix.”
“When I'm hurt by something you did, you defend your intention instead of understanding your impact.”
“When I need you to stay with me emotionally, you shut down.”
Those are behaviors.
Behaviors can change.
Men, Empathy, and Emotional Disconnection
For some men, difficulty showing empathy is part of a larger pattern of emotional disconnection.
You may love your partner deeply but have difficulty identifying what you're feeling.
You may shut down during conflict.
You may become defensive when your partner is upset.
You may retreat into work, achievement, sex, screens, alcohol, hobbies, or problem-solving rather than staying emotionally present.
Your partner experiences distance.
You experience criticism.
She pursues harder.
You withdraw further.
And eventually both people feel terribly alone.
The goal isn't to turn men into someone they're not.
The goal is to help men become more relationally capable—able to stay strong while also staying connected.
Couples Therapy Can Make Empathy Practical
Knowing what empathy is and being able to practice it in the middle of conflict are two very different things.
You can understand everything in this article and still find yourself explaining, fixing, defending, withdrawing, or counterattacking the next time your partner gets upset.
That's where couples therapy can become very practical.
In my work with couples, we often slow these interactions way down.
Sometimes we're working almost sentence by sentence:
Try that again.
Don't defend yet.
Tell her what you heard.
Look at him when you say that.
Tell your partner what you imagine this has been like for them.
Now ask what they need.
This isn't abstract relationship advice.
It's learning a different way of relating while the relationship is happening right in front of us.
Over time, something that initially feels awkward can become increasingly natural.
And a partner who once thought:
“You don't understand me.”
may begin to experience:
“You're finally here with me.”
Empathy Is Not Weakness. It's Relational Strength.
There is strength in being able to solve problems.
There is also strength in knowing when not to solve them.
There is strength in being able to hear that you've hurt someone without immediately defending yourself.
There is strength in tolerating another person's feelings without needing to make those feelings disappear.
And there is tremendous strength in being able to say:
“I can understand why you feel that way. Tell me more.”
Sometimes your partner doesn't need a better answer.
They need to experience you being with them before you try to lead them somewhere else.
That is empathy.
And for many couples, learning how to do that is where connection starts coming back.
Couples Therapy in Orinda and the East Bay
If you and your partner keep getting stuck in the same cycle—one person trying to be heard while the other explains, fixes, gets defensive, or shuts down—you don't necessarily need more arguments about communication.
You may need a different way of communicating.
I provide Gottman-informed and relational couples therapy in Orinda and the East Bay, helping couples slow down destructive patterns, communicate more clearly, rebuild emotional connection, and learn practical relationship skills they can actually use at home.
Schedule a free 15-minute consultation to talk about what's happening in your relationship and to see whether working together feels like a good fit.
FAQ: Empathy in Relationships
What does empathy look like in a relationship?
Empathy means trying to understand your partner's emotional experience and communicating that understanding back to them. It can sound as simple as, “That makes sense,” “I can understand why that hurt,” or “Tell me more.”
How can I show more empathy to my partner?
Slow down before responding. Listen for feelings rather than only facts, reflect what you heard, validate your partner's experience, and resist immediately giving advice or defending yourself.
Can you empathize with your partner without agreeing with them?
Yes. Empathy and agreement are different. You can understand why your partner feels a certain way without agreeing with every interpretation, conclusion, or accusation.
Why does my partner get upset when I try to fix their problems?
Your partner may be seeking emotional connection rather than a solution. Problem-solving can feel dismissive when someone first needs to feel heard and understood. Ask whether they want empathy, help solving the problem, or simply someone to listen.
Why do some men struggle with empathy in relationships?
Some men have had far more practice with problem-solving, performance, independence, and emotional control than with identifying feelings, validating another person's experience, or staying emotionally present during conflict. Those patterns aren't universal, and they can be changed.
Can couples therapy help with empathy?
Yes. Couples therapy can help partners practice listening, validation, emotional attunement, accountability, and responding differently during difficult conversations rather than simply discussing communication in the abstract.
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