Loving a Man Who Can't Love You Back: Understanding Love Avoidance
- Keith York LMFT
- Jan 24
- 5 min read
Updated: 6 days ago
Understanding avoidant attachment, emotional distance, and relationship patterns.
By Keith York, LMFT Couples Therapist in Orinda, CA
The Painful Dance of Pursuit and Distance
If you’ve ever found yourself chasing a man who pulls away just when things start to feel real, you’re not alone. Many women sit in my therapy office wondering, “Why do I keep attracting emotionally unavailable men?”
This pattern — the love avoidant man and the woman who loves him — isn’t about bad luck or poor choices. It’s about early emotional conditioning, the silent lessons of childhood that shape how we connect, love, and protect ourselves.
Love avoidance is one expression of a much broader pattern many couples face. For a fuller picture of why men struggle with emotional closeness—and how therapy supports real change—see this
The Making of a Love Avoidant Man
Let’s start with the man.
As a boy, he grew up in a home filled with unspoken pain. His mother may have been depressed — quietly burdened, overwhelmed by a husband who was angry, disconnected, or emotionally absent.
And the sensitive little boy in the middle feels it.
In that emotional vacuum, the boy steps in. He becomes his mother’s confidant, her emotional partner. He learns to soothe her, to make her feel better, to be good. Unconsciously he wants to save her.
Here’s a newsflash: little boys love their mommies.
But here’s the cost: he learns that love means responsibility. That his feelings don’t matter — hers do. He becomes enmeshed with her emotions, learning to merge with her pain at the expense of his own needs.
Meanwhile, he watches his father — unpredictable, irritable, distant, maybe alcoholic and philandering. The father becomes the model of manhood: selfish, hard, angry, detached. The boy silently vows, “I will never be like him”.
So, he grows up emotionally fused with his mother and alienated from his father. The message is clear: closeness is suffocating, and manhood means disconnection.
The Legacy of Trauma: Love Avoidance
When that boy becomes a man, the old emotional wiring remains.
The moment intimacy deepens, panic sets in. A woman’s closeness unconsciously echoes the engulfing pull of his mother’s emotional need.
So, he distances himself — by working late, overindulging in alcohol, diving into pornography, becoming emotionally cold. When she asks for more connection, it feels like a threat. To him, love means losing himself. Instead of turning towards his spouse, he turns away with angry rebuffs and silence.
He doesn’t realize he’s not running from her — he’s running from the ghost of his past.
Why Is This So Alluring to Women?
Abandonment
On the other side of the dynamic is the woman who chases.
She often carries her own attachment wounds — perhaps from a parent who was inconsistently available, warm one moment and withdrawn the next. She learned that love is something you earn by working harder, being better, proving yourself.
When she meets the avoidant man, the chemistry feels electric. But underneath, what’s really being sparked is familiarity. His emotional distance triggers the same ache she felt as a child. And unconsciously, she thinks, “If I can get him to stay, I’ll finally be safe.”
These are scars that remain from the wounds of abandonment.
So, she tries to get through to him — calls, texts, complains, pleads. The more she reaches, the more he retreats. And the more he retreats, the more desperate she feels to pull him back.
This is the classic pursuer–distancer cycle — a painful dance that feels like love but is really two people reenacting their childhood traumas.
Why Neither Partner Is the Villain
In this dynamic, it’s tempting to blame — to call him avoidant or label her needy. But both are simply protecting themselves the only way they know how.
He fears being engulfed.
She fears being abandoned.
Both feel unseen. Both long for safety.
Here's what's really going on: When they try to love each other, what they’re really doing is trying to heal the past through the present. It is not their fault. It is trauma.
Breaking the Cycle: The Work of Repair
True healing begins when each person turns inward instead of outward.
For the Love Avoidant Man:
Learn to stay present in discomfort instead of escaping it.
Recognize that closeness isn’t control — it’s connection.
Build tolerance for vulnerability.
Negotiate his wants and desires rather than swallowing them and becoming resentful.
For the Woman Who Chases:
Ask for what you need with loving firmness.
Ground in your own self-worth instead of chasing external validation.
Learn to self-soothe when anxiety rises.
Practice giving space without abandoning yourself.
Real intimacy requires both partners to stand on solid ground — to be close without collapsing into each other or running away.
Rewriting the Story. Rewiring Your Trauma.
That little boy who learned to disappear is still there. He’s not unloving — he’s scared.
That little girl who learned to chase isn’t needy — she’s longing to be met.
When we can see each other’s defenses as survival strategies, compassion replaces judgment. And that’s where the real work begins.
Healing doesn’t happen in isolation — it happens in relationship. Love becomes a place of repair, not reenactment.
Remember: These childhood trauma wounds happened in early life relationships. These childhood trauma wounds are thereby healed in mature wise adult relationships.
It’s Not Your Fault
If you recognize yourself in this pattern — as the love avoidant man or the woman who tries to love him — know that you’re not broken. You’re repeating what once kept you safe.
But what protected you as a child may now be the very thing keeping you from love. And with awareness, courage, and with the right therapeutic support, these patterns will change.
Because love isn’t found in the chase or the escape. It’s found in the brave space where two people stay — together — and face what once felt unbearable.
That’s called intimacy.
Ready to Break the Cycle?
If you recognize yourself in this pattern — as the one who pulls away or the one who pursues love — you don’t have to keep repeating it. These dynamics can be healed with awareness, courage, and the right support.
At EBCRR we help individuals and couples understand the roots of their attachment patterns and learn how to build the kind of intimacy that feels safe, mutual, and real.
If you’re ready to move beyond the dance of pursuit and distance, contact us now to schedule a consultation. Let’s begin the work of creating love that lasts.
Written by Keith York, LMFT, a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Orinda, California, serving Orinda, Lafayette, Moraga, and the greater east bay area of San Francisco. Keith specializes in couples therapy with a focus in Gottman Method Therapy and Relational Life Therapy.
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