Narcissism or Grandiosity? When You're Not In Pain, You're In Trouble

By Keith York LMFT, Director of EBCRR

We don’t usually associate grandiosity with pain. In fact, it often looks like the opposite: confidence, certainty, invulnerability. But from a therapeutic lens, grandiosity—especially the kind that starts tipping into narcissism—isn’t about feeling good. It’s often about not feeling at all.

And that’s where the trouble begins.

What Is Grandiosity, Really?

Grandiosity isn’t just bragging. It’s an inflated sense of self, a belief (spoken or unspoken) that one is superior, special, or somehow exempt from the rules that apply to others. It often shows up as:

• An inability to admit fault or vulnerability

• Dismissiveness toward others’ needs or feelings

• Frequent arguments and troubles with your spouse and children.

• A chronic need for validation—no matter how much is already present

  
  

These behaviors are often interpreted as arrogance. But in therapy, we look underneath the behavior to find the emotion driving it. And more often than not, we find something surprising:

Not power.

But pain.

The Grandiosity Shield

For many people, grandiosity develops as a defense mechanism. It's a way to cope with deep feelings of shame, inadequacy, or emotional abandonment. When the pain is too overwhelming—or too early and unprocessed—the psyche adapts by creating a version of self that feels untouchable.

A grandiose self.

This "better than others" persona isn’t designed to impress—it’s designed to protect.

If I’m always right, I can’t be hurt. If I’m always in control, I can’t be left. If I’m always admired, I’ll never be rejected.

But here’s the thing: when the strategy works, that’s when the real trouble begins.

When You're Not in Pain, You're in Trouble

Let’s unpack this.

Therapy works best when there’s pain to work with—anxiety, sadness, shame, confusion, grief. These are signals that something real and human is being touched. But when someone is locked in grandiosity or narcissistic defenses, they often aren’t in pain… they're in trouble: their marriage is in trouble, their work relationships and friendships are in trouble, and their relationship with their children is in trouble.

The people around them are in pain. The grandiose person is in trouble.

Here's the dark secret that nobody talks around regarding grandiosity.

Ready? Grandiosity feels good. It feels good to make out with your secretary. It feels good to scream at your spouse. It feels good to have that third martini, that second pint of Ben and Jerry’s.

It feels good, but it’ll make a wreck of your life.

It gets worse still - grandiosity blunts empathy. It makes it difficult to even understand how you’re hurting other people. And grandiosity impairs judgement, clouding real-time assessment of negative consequences.

And that’s the problem.

When someone has cut off access to pain, they’ve usually cut off access to:

• Accountability

• Intimacy

• Self-awareness

• Change

Because to grow, we have to feel. And grandiosity is a way of not feeling.

The Narcissism Trap

Not everyone who engages in grandiose behaviors has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). But all of us, at times, use narcissistic defenses. We puff ourselves up to avoid shame. We distance ourselves from others to avoid feeling small. It’s a very human strategy.

But if it becomes chronic—if you’re never sad, never wrong, never vulnerable—it’s not just a personality issue.

It’s a pain issue.

And that’s when the work begins.

So What Can You Do?

If you're reading this and noticing yourself in these patterns, here’s the good news: none of this is your fault. No one asks to be grandiose. It is a learned response from childhood experiences and childhood trauma. Grandiosity can be unlearned. But not by force—and not by shame. It starts by asking some deeper questions:

• Why am I not happy?

• What am I most afraid of?

• Who taught me this behavior? Who, in my childhood family, am I acting like?

• Why are the people I love so often upset with me, and why can't they be happy with what I provide?

These aren’t comfortable questions—but they’re healing ones.

For Loved Ones And You

If you’re in a relationship with someone who lives behind a grandiose shield, it can be exhausting. You might feel dismissed, criticized, or unseen. But remember: what presents as entitlement often masks deep fear of vulnerability. That doesn’t mean tolerating abuse—but it can shift how you understand the dynamic.

If you’re the one in trouble and you want a better relationship with your spouse and children, you can change and understand these behaviors that continue to push people away.

You can be happy.

Therapeutic progress doesn’t usually start with “How do I become less grandiose?” It starts with, “Why does grandiosity feel safer than being real? Where did I learn this?”

And that’s the kind of pain we can work with.

Final Thoughts

Grandiosity and narcissism aren’t about ego. They’re about escape. Escape from pain, from shame, from vulnerability.

Because in this work, when you’re not the one in pain, you’re in trouble. The people around you are in pain.

And the moment you're willing to look at what's causing you to push people away? That’s when the healing begins.

Interested in understanding old patterns of behavior that aren’t making you happy, or navigating a relationship marked by grandiosity?

East Bay Center for Relational Recovery is here to help. Contact us today for more information. Therapy offers a space to feel what’s real—and grow from there.

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