In Marriage, Good Things Come in Threes: The Three Pillars of Intimacy.

By Keith York LMFT Director of The East Bay Center for Relational Recovery

One of the hardest truths we all have to face is this: love alone is not enough. Intimacy doesn’t run on good intentions. It runs on skills — relational skills. And at the core of those skills are three essential, non-negotiable practices: compassion, vulnerability, and accountability.

I call them the three pillars of intimacy, and without any one of them, intimacy collapses.

Let me break them down.

1. Compassion: The Oxygen of Intimacy

In any meaningful relationship, your partner is going to hurt you — sometimes intentionally, often not. And you are going to hurt them. That’s just the truth of being human.

What matters most isn’t avoiding that hurt; it’s how we respond to it.

Compassion is the willingness to stay connected even in the face of discomfort — your own or your partner’s. It’s not about excusing bad behavior or minimizing your pain. It’s about saying, “I can hold space for your experience, even when it’s hard to hear.” And, equally, “I can let you into mine.”

Many of us were raised in families where tenderness felt unsafe. Some of us had to armor up just to survive. So, compassion doesn’t always come naturally. But it can be practiced. It can be learned.

Think of compassion as the oxygen your relationship breathes. Without it, you’ll both suffocate.

2. Vulnerability: The Price of Admission

Let me be blunt. You can’t have intimacy without vulnerability.

You can have performance. You can have control. You can even have stability. But if you want connection — real, raw, soul-to-soul connection — vulnerability is the price of admission.

That means revealing your feelings before they calcify into resentment. It means letting your partner see the places where you feel small, ashamed, frightened, or unsure. Not in a flood. Not irresponsibly. But honestly.

A lot of people say, “I’ll be vulnerable when I know it’s safe.” But that’s not how it works. Vulnerability creates safety. It builds trust. And yes, it takes courage. But more than that, it takes self-esteem — the kind that says, “Even if you don’t like what I’m about to share, I still have value. I still matter.”

Intimacy demands that you risk being seen. All of you — not just the curated parts.

3. Accountability: The Backbone of Trust

Let’s be clear: Love without accountability is not love.

It’s indulgence.

In an intimate relationship, both people have to be willing to own their part. Not just apologize — repair.

Accountability means I don’t get to disappear into my trauma story. I don’t get to justify my behavior because of what was done to me. I get to name my history, yes. I get to feel compassion for myself. But then I turn to my partner and say, “Here’s how I hurt you. And here’s how I’m going to do better.”

That’s how trust gets rebuilt — not by words alone, but by consistent, reliable action.

And let’s be honest: accountability also means holding your partner to the standard of growth. Not with contempt. Not from a one-up position. But from the belief that they’re capable of more — and so are you.

The Three Legs of the Stool

Compassion. Vulnerability. Accountability.

They sound lovely on paper. But in practice? They’re messy. Uncomfortable. Often humbling.

And yet, they are the work of real intimacy — the kind that doesn’t just survive the hard stuff but grows stronger because of it.

If you’re in a relationship that’s struggling, don’t ask whether there’s still love. Ask:

• Are we showing each other compassion?

• Are we willing to be vulnerable?

• Are we holding ourselves (and each other) accountable?

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If even one of those pillars is cracked, let that be the focus of your next conversation. Not who's right, not what went wrong — but how you can each show up more fully, more courageously, more relationally.

Because intimacy isn’t a feeling. It’s a practice. Intimacy is something you have. Intimacy is something you do. Sometimes day to day. Sometimes moment to moment.

Interested in building these skills in your own relationship? Let’s talk. Whether in individual or couples work, we can begin the process of reclaiming connection — one pillar at a time. Contact The East Bay Center for Relational Recovery now to find how to get started.

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