Why Feeling Bad is Sometimes Good

By Keith York LMFT, Director of The East Bay Center for Relational Recovery

We live in a culture obsessed with comfort. We want our relationships to feel good all the time, as if the absence of pain means the presence of health. But in real intimacy, that’s not how it works.

Sometimes, feeling bad is the best thing that can happen between two people.

Because when we’ve hurt someone we love—when we’ve crossed a line, spoken sharply, turned away instead of turning toward—that sinking feeling in our gut isn’t just misery. It’s accountability knocking.

Discomfort: The Cost of Connection

In relational life, discomfort is the tuition we pay for growth.

You can’t have a deep, authentic relationship without occasionally feeling bad—because you will, inevitably, hurt or disappoint each other. And when that happens, the pain you feel afterward isn’t a sign that something’s broken; it’s a sign that something matters.

I often tell couples: If you can’t stand to feel bad, you can’t stay connected.

When we’re allergic to guilt or shame, we cut off the very emotions that motivate us to repair. The ability to tolerate the sting of “I blew it” is what keeps love alive.

The Real Work: Feeling Bad Without Falling Apart

Here’s the tricky part: many people confuse accountability with self-condemnation.

They think taking responsibility means beating themselves up. That’s called “moving from guilt to shame”, and when you do that, you’re not doing anyone any favors, because shame is self-preoccupation, and you cannot connect with the person you’ve offended from the depths of shame.

But accountability isn’t about punishment—it’s about presence. It’s about being able to say, Yes, I did that. I see the impact. And I’m here to make it right.

Author and therapist Terry Real calls this “staying in the adult chair.” From that seat, you can hold two truths at once:

1. I did something that hurt you.

2. I am still a person worthy of love and respect.

   
   

That’s the balance point of relational maturity—feeling the sting without losing your center.

Why Defensive People Don’t Heal

Most couples don’t struggle because they fight. They struggle because they defend.

Instead of letting themselves feel bad for how they’ve shown up, they shift into justification, counterattack, or minimization. “Well, you did it too!” “I didn’t mean it that way.” “You’re too sensitive.”

Those moves protect us from shame—but they cost us connection.

Because in that moment, the other person isn’t looking for perfection. They’re looking for acknowledgment. They want to know: Do you see me? Do you care that you hurt me?

And that can’t happen if we can’t stand to feel bad.

The Gift of Accountable Discomfort

Relational accountability is the art of using your guilt wisely.

When you can stay present to your own discomfort—without collapsing or defending—you open the door to repair.

You can say,

“You’re right. I was harsh. I see how that landed. I’m sorry.”

That moment, simple as it sounds, is sacred. It transforms pain into trust.

Because love isn’t built on never messing up. Love is built on being able to come back.

Feeling Bad as a Path Back to Love

So, when you feel that pang in your chest after an argument—don’t rush to silence it. Don’t shove it down or explain it away.

That ache is your integrity waking up.

Feeling bad, in that sense, isn’t the problem. It’s the beginning of repair.

In healthy relationships, we don’t use our partner’s pain to shame ourselves. We use it to grow ourselves.

Because love isn’t about always feeling good together—it’s about being good to each other, even when it doesn’t feel good.

In the End…

The ability to feel bad, to own your part without losing your sense of worth—that’s emotional courage.

That’s intimacy in action.

So next time you find yourself wincing at your own behavior, take a breath. Don’t rush past it. Don’t hide behind your pride.

That “bad” feeling? It’s not your enemy. It’s your chance to come home—to accountability, to integrity, and to each other.

Ready to Practice Relational Accountability?

If you and your partner are ready to move from blame and defensiveness toward real connection and repair, we’d love to help.

You don’t have to navigate this alone—learning how to feel bad well can transform the way you love. Contact us here at EBCRR to schedule an appointment or consultation, and let’s begin the work of building a relationship grounded in honesty, courage, and care.

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