Why Men Get Dragged into Therapy — And How It Can Save Your Relationship (and Your Life)

How modern relationships are collapsing—not because men won’t provide, but because they were never taught how to emotionally connect.

By Keith York, LMFT Couples Therapist in Orinda, CA

Most of the men who come to us aren’t strolling in with a mindfulness app on their phones and a journal under their arm. No. Most of the men who come to us are what I call “wife-mandated referrals.” 

They’re there because someone they love — and who’s fed up — told them, “Either we get help, or I’m done.”

Let’s be honest: men don’t tend to walk through the therapy door on their own. When they do, it’s often because the relationship is already in crisis.

The Scary Facts

We know the numbers — men die about ten years earlier than women, not because of biology, but because we don’t take care of ourselves. We don’t go to doctors, we don’t follow advice, and we sure as hell don’t talk about our feelings.

Because in our culture, to be invulnerable is to be masculine. The more invulnerable you are, the more manly you are.

Time to wake up: Invulnerability has consequences — for our bodies, our relationships, our souls.

And yet, here we are, sitting in a couples therapist’s office, trying to bridge the gap between a man taught not to need and a woman taught not to settle.

Many men resist therapy not because they don’t care, but because emotional connection feels unsafe or unfamiliar. This pattern is part of a larger issue explored in this

👉 complete guide to men and emotional disconnection in relationships.

The Shift from Companionable to Intimate Marriage

In my parents’ and grandparents’ generations, a “good marriage” was a stable one. If a woman said, “He doesn’t drink too much, he brings home a paycheck, he doesn’t beat me,” her mother would tell her, “You’ve got yourself a good man. Go home.”

Emotional connection wasn’t on the checklist.

But something profound has changed.

Because of feminism, because of women’s economic independence, Jane Austen’s world is long gone. Women no longer need men for survival. They don’t want his paycheck. They want men for connection.

They want their hearts.

So, the modern question isn’t “Will you provide for me?” It’s “Will you connect with me?”

That’s the revolution.

We’ve shifted from companionable marriage to intimate marriage.

The New Marriage Crisis

“My husband doesn’t talk to me.” “My husband is critical.” “My husband flirts with waitresses.”

These aren’t fringe complaints. These are now marriage-ending issues.

Seventy percent of divorces are initiated by women, and the common theme is: “I’m lonely in this relationship.”

Meanwhile, men are bewildered. “If she’d just stop complaining, I’d be fine,” they say.

Of course they would. The traditional male role hasn’t changed — provide, protect, stay steady. But women want more now, and rightly so. They want their partners to be emotionally available, empathetic, and accountable.

The Male Dilemma: What Women Want Was Trained Out of Us

Here’s the cruel joke: every single thing modern intimacy requires — vulnerability, empathy, accountability — was systematically stamped out of boys growing up in a traditional masculine culture.

“Don’t cry.” “Don’t need.” “Don’t feel.”

So, when a woman asks her husband to open up, to be tender, to say, “I’m sorry,” to talk to her about his hopes, fears, and life-dreams - she’s not just asking for better communication.

She’s asking him to defy his training.

That’s why so many men get dragged into therapy. Women aren’t dragging their partners in for “better communication skills.” They’re bringing them to us to help them become more relational human beings. 

To help them connect.

The Bitter Pill: Intimacy Requires Vulnerability

Good old Brené Brown says it: connection requires vulnerability. True intimacy is the mutual exchange — I feel you feeling me. But how can I feel you feeling me if you’re armored up, stoic, and shut down?

Patriarchy gave men two emotions: anger and lust.

Everything else — fear, sadness, guilt, tenderness — was branded “unmanly.”

But patriarchy wasn’t built for intimacy. It was built for stability.

And intimacy, this new demand of modern marriage, requires the opposite of what men were trained to be.

To the degree a man clings to the traditional masculine script, he becomes incapable of intimacy.

Rewriting the Male Code

So, when a man — let’s call him Bill — walks into my office, I don’t see resistance. I see courage. Because what we’re asking of Bill isn’t small. We’re asking him to do something radical: to feel, to soften, to connect, to become accountable.

We’re asking him to become a new kind of man — one who measures strength not by how much he can withstand, but by how deeply he can relate.

This isn’t window dressing. It’s transformational work. It’s personality transplant work.

And we therapists must respect how big this ask really is. We’re asking men to step out of sync with everything they were taught — their fathers, their peers, their culture. It’s lonely, it’s frightening, and it’s pioneering.

But when they do it — when they risk vulnerability, when they open their hearts — they don’t just save their marriages. They save their lives. They spare their children their burdens.

They become relational heroes.

Your Partner Is Trying to Save Your Life

So no, when women drag their men into therapy, it’s not because they want to nag in front of a referee. It’s because they’re calling their partners into evolution.

They’re saying, “Join me in this new world where love means openness, accountability, and mutual care.”

It’s not a punishment. It’s an invitation.

And if you’re one of those “wife-mandated” men reading this — know this: the courage it takes to sit on that couch, to look inward, to learn how to love differently — that’s real manhood. That’s heroism.

Welcome to the work.

Here’s your invitation:

Don’t wait to be dragged into therapy. Don’t wait until your partner’s halfway out the door. Take the first step toward intimacy now — for yourself, for your relationship, for your children, for the next generation of men learning what love really looks like.

If this resonates, reach out. Schedule a session. Start the conversation. Because connection isn’t something you’re born knowing how to do — it’s something you can learn.

And it’s the best investment you’ll ever make.

Click here for a free 15 minute consultation

Written by Keith York, LMFT, a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Orinda, California, serving Orinda, Lafayette, Moraga, and the greater east bay area of San Francisco. Keith specializes in couples therapy with a focus in Gottman Method Therapy and Relational Life Therapy.

For more information about Keith please click here:

About Keith York, LMFT