Is Couples Therapy Right for Me? 5 Key Questions to Ask Before Booking Your First Session

Discover How Gottman-Informed Couples Counseling in Orinda, CA Can Help You Rebuild Connection, Improve Communication, and Heal Your Relationship

By Keith York, LMFT Couples Therapist in Orinda, CA

Is Couples Therapy Right for Me? 5 Questions to Ask Before You Decide

If you’ve been wondering whether couples therapy is right for you—or if it’s worth bringing your partner along—you’re not alone.

In Orinda and across the East Bay, busy lives, long commutes, and family responsibilities often leave relationships strained, leaving couples asking:

• “Why do we keep having the same arguments?”

• "Why can't I get through to my partner?"

• “How is this affecting the kids?”

• “Why are we growing apart?”

• “Can we really fix this?”

  
  

These questions are common—and the good news is that relationships can improve, often faster than you think, with the right guidance.

Here’s a practical guide to help you decide whether individual counseling or couples therapy is the best first step for you.

1. Is Connection Your Goal?

Decades of research show that connection is not a luxury—it’s essential. Human beings thrive through emotional co-regulation: we find balance in relationship.

When connection breaks down, it affects not just your relationship, but your emotional health, your parenting, and your overall wellbeing.

Couples therapy works best when both partners are involved and willing to give it a shot - even if they’re skeptical - because real change happens in the relationship itself.

This is where relational skills are learned and practiced in real time, not just discussed abstractly.

2. Can Individual Therapy Help You Too?

Sometimes, starting alone is the right choice.

Individual counseling is helpful if:

• Your partner isn’t ready or willing to attend.

• You need to understand your own behavior and emotional patterns.

• You’re managing mental health challenges such as depression, anxiety, or addiction.

• There’s harmful acting out that needs stabilization before couples work can safely begin.

  
  

Even in individual therapy, the focus often remains relational. With permission and clear boundaries, I may invite communication with your partner to help uncover patterns, clarify issues, and speed progress.

3. Are You in a “One-Up” or “One-Down” Position?

Many couples unconsciously operate in imbalanced dynamics:

One-Up Partners often cope by shutting down, controlling, or overcompensating.

Therapy helps them reconnect, empathize, and see the consequences and rewards of change.

One-Down Partners may feel powerless, self-doubting, or resentfully accommodating.

Therapy supports them in finding voice, boundaries, and self-respect without fighting the partner’s battles.

Healthy intimacy emerges when both partners learn to meet in the middle, creating a relationship built on equality, trust, and authentic connection.

4. What Happens in Your First Session?

Your first appointment is about clarity and grounding.

Here’s what to expect:

1. Understanding the Present: We’ll talk about what’s hurting, what’s stuck, and what you hope will change.

2. Pattern Recognition: We identify recurring dynamics without blame, highlighting what supports or hinders your connection.

3. Safety Check: Any issues that could disrupt therapy—untreated mental health concerns, addictive behaviors, or relational danger—are addressed first.

4. Setting the Stage for Change: We establish a framework for honest, compassionate, and effective work.

5. Leaving with Insight: Even after one session, many couples report feeling “seen” and gain actionable understanding of their relational patterns.

   
   

5. Which Path Should You Choose?

Choose couples therapy if:

• Both partners are willing to participate.

• You want to improve the relationship itself, not just individual coping.

• You’re stuck in recurring conflict or emotional distance.

• You want to learn practical, real-time relational skills.

  
  

Choose individual counseling if:

• Your partner refuses to attend.

• You need to focus on personal healing first.

• Mental health issues or harmful behaviors must be addressed before couples work.

  
  

Not Sure? Start With a Free 15-Minute Consultation

You don’t need to have all the answers before reaching out.

A brief consultation helps you clarify what will truly help your relationship—without pressure, judgment, or commitment.

I offer free 15-minute consultations by Zoom, phone, or in person in my Orinda office.

Click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation

Let’s explore whether couples therapy—or individual support—is the best next step for you.

You deserve connection. You deserve support. You deserve a relationship—and a self—that heals.

Written by Keith York, LMFT, a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Orinda, California, serving Orinda, Lafayette, Moraga, and the greater east bay area of San Francisco. Keith specializes in couples therapy with a focus in Gottman Method Therapy and Relational Life Therapy.

For more information about Keith please click here:

About Keith York, LMFT