Should I Stay or Go? How to Tell If Your Relationship Can Heal—or If It’s Time to Walk Away

A couples-therapy guide to relationship grief, clarity, and knowing when a partnership is worth fighting for. Learn how to stop suffering in silence, see your relationship clearly, and make empowered choices.

By Keith York, LMFT — Couples Therapist in Orinda, CA (Serving Orinda, Lafayette, Moraga, and the East Bay)

Understanding Normal Relational Grief vs Knowing When It’s Time to Leave

If you’re reading this, chances are you’ve been lying awake at night with the same painful question looping in your mind: “Should I stay… or should I go?”

Most couples don’t ask this lightly. They ask because they’re hurting. They ask because they’ve tried. They ask because staying feels painful, and leaving feels impossible.

In the Relational Life Therapy (RLT) world, we have a tool for this. Terry Real calls it Relational Reckoning, and it’s one of the clearest ways to cut through the fog of confusion, resentment, fear, and hope.

Let’s walk through it together.

Relational Reckoning: The One Question That Brings Clarity

Here’s the reckoning question:

“Am I getting enough in this relationship to make grieving what I’m not getting worth my while?”

Read that again. It's a deep and important question.

Because every relationship—even the great ones—includes grief.

Every relationship includes something you wish you could have that your partner simply can’t give.

The question is: Is what you are getting enough?

If the answer is no, and you’ve tried everything—not once, not twice, but sincerely—then it may be time to go. I don’t want anyone living in chronic misery.

If the answer is yes, even if it hurts sometimes—“Yes, it’s painful that I don’t get this piece… but what I do get still matters deeply to me”—then you stay, and you grieve. You allow the sadness, the longing. You stop making yourself a victim of your own choice.

Because staying in a relationship you’ve chosen—with resentment burning like a slow poison—is its own kind of self-abandonment.

What Healthy Grieving Looks Like in a Relationship

Real love isn’t about perfection.

Real love is about repair, courage, and accepting the limits of being human.

Let me tell you a story, because it captures the truth beautifully.

There’s a man—let’s call him Bill. Bill is a passionate, sexual, wholehearted man with a painful history of childhood trauma. He’s had wild, electric sexual experiences in his past.

But the woman he married—Jill—while incredibly loving, loyal, and deeply soulful, is not swinging from chandeliers. That isn’t who she is.

Does Bill miss the wildness he once had? Yes.

Does he long for it sometimes? Of course.

Does he keep punishing her for not being someone she never promised to be? No.

Because the good he receives from this relationship—the connection, the safety, the meaning—far outweighs the grief.

That’s relational maturity.

You choose your relationship, and then you own the choice.

You don’t keep revisiting the same old complaints like a hobby.

You grieve what will never be, and you celebrate what is.

If You Stay, You Must Stop Living as a Victim

Alcoholics Anonymous has 1000 great sayings. Here's one that is useful to remember:

"Resentment is drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die."

If you stay, stay with ownership. Stay with clarity. Stay with open eyes.

Don’t stay and complain. Don’t stay and punish. Don’t stay and martyr yourself.

If you’re choosing this relationship, then choose it fully.

If You Go, Go Because You’re Protecting Your Soul—Not Because You’re Punishing Your Partner

Leaving a relationship is not failure. Leaving can sometimes be the most self-loving move you make.

Here’s the truth: Some people stay because they’ve convinced themselves that saying “No more” is selfish or cruel.

It’s not.

Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is refuse to live in chronic deprivation or constant emotional danger.

If you’ve tried every skill, every repair, every vulnerability, every course correction—and the relationship still hurts more than it heals—then leaving is an act of integrity.

When You’re on the Fence: How to Tell If More Work Is Needed

Before making a final decision, ask yourself:

1. Have I asserted myself with clarity and skill?

Not yelling. Not pleading. Not hinting.

I mean grown-up, measured, loving assertion.

If you haven’t tried this, try it.

2. Has my partner shown openness, even a little, to meeting me?

You don’t need perfection. You need willingness.

3. Have we tried real help?

Not advice from friends. Not endless cycles of fighting and apologizing.

I mean guided, structured couples therapy that teaches skills.

4. Is trauma flooding making it impossible to access my adult self?

If your nervous system is too activated to stay regulated, you may need individual trauma work before you can even evaluate the relationship clearly.

5. Do I secretly hope my partner will transform without me changing anything?

Be honest.

Relational integrity means you do your part—with skill, kindness, courage—no matter what your partner is doing.

If you’ve done that, and nothing changes, then you have your answer.

The Hardest Truth: Intimacy Requires Risk

You cannot have real closeness without vulnerability.

You cannot have repair without accountability.

You cannot have love without limits.

A healthy relationship is democratic. Not one-up. Not one-down.

If you’re the codependent one-down partner, you’ll need to learn to stand up with courage.

If you’re the defended one-up partner, you’ll need to learn to soften, yield, and listen.

Either way, the work is the same:

Grow. Show up. Take risks. Tell the truth.

So… Should You Stay or Should You Go?

Here’s the bottom line:

If you’re getting enough good to make grieving the rest worth it, stay—and grieve honestly, without resentment. If you’re not getting enough, and you’ve tried everything, it may be time to go.

Either way, you deserve clarity. You deserve peace. You deserve a relationship—whether with this partner or a future one—that honors your full humanity.

If You’re Struggling with This Decision, You Don’t Have to Do It Alone

I help couples and individuals in Orinda, Lafayette, Moraga, and the East Bay navigate relationship clarity, repair, and the deep emotional work needed to create meaningful change.

Whether you hope to stay and rebuild—or you’re afraid it might be time to go—you deserve expert support.

Schedule your FREE 15-minute consultation

Click here to schedule a free 15-minute appointment

Let’s talk about what’s happening and find your next right step—together.

Call today or click anove to get started.

Your clarity begins with one conversation.

Written by Keith York, LMFT, a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Orinda, California, serving Orinda, Lafayette, Moraga, and the greater east bay area of San Francisco. Keith specializes in couples therapy with a focus in Gottman Method Therapy and Relational Life Therapy.

For more information about Keith please click here:

About Keith York, LMFT